Akong AKO!

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Time out muna ulit sa inglisan...
Meron nga pala akong personal blog... ngayon ko lang ulit nadalaw!

busy eating

Hindi naman talaga ko nawala.. mejo nalipat lang ang atensyon ko.
Nagdecide kse ko last month na mejo maging serious sa food blogging at
food photography kaya gumawa ako ng ibang blog exclusively for food. Ayoko naman
kse dito ipost kse nakakahiya naman na mabasa ng buong mundo ang mga
kaemohan ko! ahehehe.

Masarap din palang balikan at basahin yung mga nakaraan kong entries.
Ganun pala ko magsulat! Pati ako nagugulat sa sarili ko minsan!

simple

Wala akong pinag-sisisihansa mga nasulat ko dahil alam kong totoo ang lahat ng 'yon.
Kahit gano pa kakorny o ka-emo... hello? Lahat naman tyo may ganung time....
at walang masama sa pagpapaka-totoo.

Looking back.... ibang-iba na ko ngayon. Ok nga kse it's a sign of growth. A better and better
Mae habang tumatagal. Naachieve ko na din yung gusto kong mafeel....
yung maging AKO..... AKONG AKO!
Karamihan ng mga tao, mga titles, fame at material things ang mga nais maachieve, ako, gusto ko lang kilalanin ang sarili ko at magawa ang mga bagay na nakapagpapasaya at magbubuo ng katauhan ko.


Naranasan ko na ang sobrang malungkot.... kaya ngayon dapat sobrang saya naman!
Fair naman ang buhay e, nasatin lang talaga kung pano natin dadalhin ang mga sarili natin.
Kung feel mo na lagi ka nalang bigo, payo ko, kilalanin mo nalang muna ang sarili mo...
baka meron tayong dapat baguhin. Bobo lang ang magsasabing hindi na sya kailanman
magbabago. Dapat matuto tayong sumunod sa "natural law." The only constant thing is life is
change. Matuto tayo dapat sumabay sa agos. Sumabay in a sense na dapat nating tanggapin
ang mga pangyayari sating buhay... hindi yung tipong sabay ka nalang lagi sa uso.. sa mga
nakararami. Hindi porke uso na e maganda na. Hindi po kailangang sumunod sa uso kundi
mo ito feel talaga. Matuto sana tayong manindigan sa mga gusto natin.

Katulad kahapon, habang nakaharap ako sa salamin at nagsusuklay... sabi ko sa buhok ko,
"baket hindi ka tumitino, kahit anong suklay ko, kumukulot ka parin?" sagot naman ni buhok,

loving my curly hair

"e sa gusto ko e!" ok fine curly! You win! Dapat tanggapin ko nalang yun.... law of nature!
Natural na kumulot ang hair ko.. FINE! Sa isang banda.. at least di ko na kelangang pumunta sa salon
para magpakulot dba? Ang mahal kaya nun! Narealize ko, mas ok nga ganito ang hair ko.... ang cute nga e!
Karamihan sa mga Pinoy ang "ideal girl" para sa kanila ay yung mga petite, chinita, tisay, mahaba ang buhok,
nakarebond, sexy, mahinhin, hindi nagsasalita.... in short, HALAMAN!! ahahahha Madami din dyang mga girls, nagpapanggap maging "cool" at "matalino" kuno  para magpacute sa mga boys! Puro nalang boys! As if mamamatay sila kapag walang boys na pumupuri sa kanila! che! Pero hay.... lalabas din ang tunay in the long run I'm sure!! As in!

ako na ang clown ng buhay mo!

E pano naman ako nyan? average lang ang height ko, hindi ako chinita, morena, kulot ang buhok, walang balak
magparebond, chubby (pero almost pang FHM na), boyish, cowboy, hindi kikay at madaldal... hmmm
E ano naman ngayon? E AKO ITO Eh! Puro panlabas lang naman ang mga to...
I know my worth.. I know my value.. I know who I am.. I stand for what I believe in. I'm perfect the way I am. I am ME!


Madalas, nahihiwagaan ako sa sarili ko at sa mga kakayahan ko. Hindi man ako,
yung tipong malihim at puno ng mysteryo dahil sa aking "expressive" nature....
mayroon akong natatagong mysteryo saking katauhan na kahit ako mismo ay pilit paring inaalam.
Marahil dahil may mga bagay akong bigla-biglang nagagawa at naiisip.... kung ano man ang mga
ito... atin nalang abangan.Expect the unexpected! Magaling kaya ko sa mga sorpresa!! Thrilling diba?

Anyway, naisip ko, cge I'd still post here at my personal blog from time to time.... Kapag feel ko!
Ke may makabasa o wala (sana wala).... keri lang! wala ko pake!!!

sikwet muna syempre!

Sa ngayon, busy-busihan ako sa pagsulat ng mga liriko para sa mga bago kong kanta.
Aaminin ko, madalas wala akong maisulat  sa dami ng mga naiisip ko...  nakakaaliw nga e.
Nagfo-flow nalang ang ideas bigla pero mejo hindi pa ko satisfied, alam ko may mga igaganda pa.
Naisip ko gawan ng kanta yung ex ko, pero naisip ko din na waste of time lang. Id' rather write
something happy. Ayoko na magdwell sa painful past. Graduate na ko dun e. Kung gagawa man ako, it would be some sort of thanks to him for setting me free. Hinding hindi ko matutuklasan ang sarili ko kundi kme naghiwalay. Masasabi kong mas masaya na ko ngayon and I wanna wish him love and happiness kse yun naman ang deserve nating lahat. Kaya eto,
karamihan ng mga nasususulat ko, puro tungkol sa mga tao sa paligid ko. Mga mensaheng tanging
sa awitin ko lang mailalabas. Hindi ako experto sa pagsulat ng kanta. Alam kong madaming-madami
pa kong dapat pag-aralan. Hindi ako teknikal na tao, kung ano ang nasa puso ko, sinusulat ko. I will still do my best as always!

MAYO

Maggie Turns 1!!!

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Happy Birthday Maggie

This weekend was extra special....

I finally found the time to celebrate the 1st birthday of my camera Maggie! I know it may look insane.. Why the hell do I have to celebrate an object's birthday?.. and why did I give my camera a name in the 1st place? In Filipino, I'd say, "PAKE MO?" (Why should you care?") Hehehehe

Many people have asked me for quite some time and my answer would always be the same. I give names to my things because I treat them as my friends. I value them a lot because I worked hard to afford them with my own sweat and tears. As I've written in my past entries, I don't have many possessions. I'm not a big fan of the latest gadgets. I'm not luxurious when it comes to fashion. I only buy the things which I know are essential for my development. I choose practicality over style.

Anyways, as you know, I've been working like crazy lately. Last week, I thought I was gonna die. I already had some dreams wherein people were telling me I was gonna do so (probably due to soaring stress levels). Fortunately, with enough moral support and optimism... I'm still A-OK! I'm actually starting to enjoy it! I'm learning a lot of valuable lessons (I will write a separate article about it). It was not until I saw my payslip when I realized, I earned a few extra cash. I can somehow save extra now to buy extra stuff for my hobbies and to make mum happy!

mum

 

For Maggie's 1st birthday, I've decided to buy a new sleeker bag. I wasn't satisfied by the big bulky ugly bag from Nikon. It looked too obvious that I was carrying a camera so I find it unsafe to bring outside. I bought a triangular camera sling bag fit for my telefoto lens. Also, I bought a huge 5 in 1 reflector so I can take better outdoor shots next time! I'm so excited for my next outdoor shoot! I must invite Krissy again! I'm currently trying to watch some instructional videos on how to use reflectors... I believe I need to try it out myself.

my gifts: a new bag and reflector

perfect fit!

Hmmmm Another reason why I wanted to earn extra is because, I wanna get more equipment coz I'm planning to study intermediate photography at the university. I know I still have to learn a lot!

Mom was also happy for me because I finally bought these stuff. She has always been very supportive of my endeavors. She told me she's happy that I turned out to be more than she expected... a very responsible and talented yet down to earth person (aaawwww! makes me wanna cry). She felt proud because she knows how hard I worked to afford them. I don't earn a lot you see, so I do my best to get other means to get by. It may be hard, but it's all worth it!

Before going home, we dropped by my favorite cake shop to buy a small cake for Maggie so the celebration would look real! heheeh I immediately took pictures as soon as we got home!
Mum was very excited about the whole thing! Her wish for me was that for me to save enough to buy a new lens or another camera. She hopes I can be a successful photographer in the coming days. (Wow! Thanks Ma!)

the birthday cake

mum enjoyed the cake a lot!

I know that Maggie may not be the best dslr camera out there, but I may say that I learned so many things by using her. Her lack of extra features pushed me to study more to achieve better shots. Maggie taught me to persevere, be patient and be more appreciate of the world around me. We also shared countless adventures (just look at my God knows how many albums on facebook) since I bought her last year. My life had an upheaval upon her arrival, and I will never be the same =)

one proud mum as well

I know there will be more and more adventures in the coming days..... I know there will be more good memories........

My Other Side....

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Today was like a dream come true.... I got to stay the whole day in the house!!!

I made it a point not to have any appointments so I can tidy up the place and focus on my cooking.
I've decided to make my weekly cooking show again. I find it really exciting and it seems I've been responsible for making my friends go hungry due to the irresistible food photos which I've been posting on Facebook. I noticed that my friends have been asking me for the recipes so I've decided to make videos like a real cooking show should (I'm in need of a producer so my show can be seen on tv!!).

Oh before I forget, Badeth came over again for dinner yesterday so I prepared a nice meal for us... I made my very own Rosemary Fried Chicken with Sour Cream Salsa. It's a dish I've been preparing since high school and I'm really proud of it! You see, I'm the kind of person who likes to break-away from the usual stuff so I also do my best to offer something more than the usual catchup and gravy. I'm glad that Badeth loves my cooking so does Frank and his family. I hope I can cook for Mitch one of these days when I get the chance to see her.

crispy herbed chicken with delicate creamy sauce......

I'm glad Badeth loved it!!

Ok ok... so today I'd like to show you a very intimate side of me..... a peek at my everyday life here at the unit.... 

I started the day with a heaping cup of coffee (I started drinking coffee last week) plus a spoonful of cream and lots of sinful cinnamon!! Waaaaaaaahhhhh (no wonder my friends call me sosyal)

not your usual cup...

indulging myself with much cinnamon

I took a quick shower then cleaned the bathroom!
I really enjoy hot showers in this place. I also enjoy keeping it tidy and smelling good!!! (obviously a bathroom OC arrrghhh!!!)

nothing beats a warm bath

keepin' it all squeeky clean....

Next I had to deal with the sink problem I've been having the whole week! Thanks to Mr. Muscle for saving the day!!! hehhehehhehe (Seeing my sink A-OK really made me feel fulfilled!)

hoooray for Mr Muscle!!!! (I feel like a housewife! lols)

Then, I'm glad to see that my dishes have already dried! I also cleaned and polished the sink and the cooking counters. I applied a surface cleaner/disinfectant so I can assure that my food is bacteria safe.

yey!!!

certified kitchen OC!!!

the stove exhaust is so helpful!!!

gotta keep those utensils ready for war....

toothpicks... you'll never know when you need one

After making sure that all is squeeky clean, it was time to start cooking....
I found some left over brown rice (the healthiest variety as they say) at the cooker so I thought I should make some fried rice so I don't have to throw it away. I quickly opened the fridge to find some ingredients. Luckily, I found that I have a lot of stuff waiting to be picked. I did some grocery shopping yesterday and bought random stuff in preparation for my sudden culinary creativity moments.

I love collecting gourmet herbs and spices....

I always see to it that the fridge has enough food.. can't go wrong with eggs

 I found some chinese chorizo, bell peppers, parsley, eggs and oyster sauce..... So that's it!! Perfect!! It's gonna be Chinese Chorizo Fried Rice for lunch then!!! I knew I had to document it so I may show it to you so I grabbed my cam and started clickin'!!!

i always stock some chorizos just in case

also.... keeping fresh produce in the chiller is a must

toss them all in your wok!

add in your left over rice ( it's a sin to throw away food)

beat some eggs and pour in it.... place it on one side of your pan and allow it to set before mixing it with the gang

touch it up with a healthy dose of Oyster Sauce for that Oriental feel

tadah!!!! my instant Lazy Sunday lunch!!!!!

 

the other side of me..

Waaaaahhhh this is the life.....
there's this big part of me which enjoys being at home. I like going out yeah... to experience new things and connect with others... it will always be part of me of course but I always wanna see to it that I enjoy "me" time... a time to connect with my inner-self... to reflect on what I've done so far so I can think about things and plan what needs to be done.
Unlike many attention whores out there, I feel that I've established myself so far.... I don't really have to prove myself too much anymore. I'm glad that I've established a good reputation over the years due to my passion and dedication to my craft. I'm glad that everything is going pretty well... no pressures whatsoever. I believe as of now, I just have to continue on persevering with my passions... and that is to pursue my art and make the world a better place to live-in.....
.... how will I do it??...... by just being my own sweet SELF.

The Pursuit for Normalcy

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Phew!  As I end the 2010 Christmas weekend, I'd like to write about some of the things which transpired.

Well. I didn't really have the "ideal" Christmas (reunions, parties, Xmas eve opening of gifts, bottomless booze etc). In fact, my Xmas eve was quite the opposite thanks to my ever unappreciative Mom. Please don't get me wrong, I love my mom so much, I just don't like it when she does her unnecessary dramas during special occasions and it takes a really huge amount of patience and understanding. I guess I just got used to it but honestly speaking, I'd prefer having a hassle free holiday. And since happiness is a choice, I did my best to be happy and I did. I came to realize that if not for the struggles which I felt, my weekend wouldn't be as insightful and special at all so I guess I would have to thank Mom again for making me realize the things which common people take for granted... and that is..... the importance of having a normal family.

I know, I know, this is soooo basic. Too basic that most of you take it for granted. It's true that you'll never see the value of something until it's gone. So this time, hopefully after revealing some facts about me, you'll somehow appreciate your own family more.

It's a looooooooong story! But ok, let's try to focus here.. Where do I begin?

I had very clear plans for this holiday. I just wanted it to be a nice one like last year.God knows how much I prepared for this but for some reason, Mom went overly emotional again over something so irrational. I tried my best to convince her that now is not the right time to be so emotional on things yet still, she allowed her foolish pride rule over her. Being the one who had more control, I managed to stay quiet when in the house to avoid any conflicts... but deep it my heart I felt like dying. Frustrated really....unappreciated as usual... I always end up that way with her. I always asked her what she wanted and provided most of the time to the best of my ability however, she would end up unsatisfied despite the fact that she was the one who chose it. Sometimes, I feel I don't wanna give anymore because I would just end up hearing her complain.

I was very hurt but there was nothing I could do, I do not have control over anyone... only myself. I find it so hurting and frustrating with the fact that I could not help my own mom. I wanted to go out... leave the house... go anywhere. That's what I usually did when I was young. When I reached maturity, I'd often escape from mom. I never wanted to hang-out with her because of the negative vibes and ideas she would feed my mind. Things like I was sick, I will die young, I will never marry and have a kid, that the world was about to end soon, that World War 3 was just around the corner etc... things you'd never hear from a normal mom.  All my life, I was made to believe that lie and it crippled me for so many years. But now, I'm an entirely different person so instead of escaping, I tend to confront things head on. So that night, I've decided to just stay and keep quiet. The truth is, the playful character which I normally show is the exact opposite when I'm at home. In fact, I rarely utter a word inside the house. hehehe

Anyway, instead of obsessing on the negative vibe... I tried to text Dad. Dad and I have a special relationship. I tell all my secrets to him and I often seek his advice for wisdom. He's really good in motivating me. I believe I got most of my brain cells from dad. I would never want any other father in the world. Good thing he would always reply. I told him what happened. He told me how he missed me and how sad he felt because he could not spend Christmas with me. He asked me when was the last time we shared Christmas together. He thought the last time was way back in 2003. But I said it was actually 1996..... 14 years =( I never really realized it. I couldn't even remember what we did but I'm pretty sure it was around that time. Honestly, I never remembered spending Christmas with Mom and Dad together. You see, I never had a normal family. I never experienced family outings. Never. I have tons of childhood photos but only of me. Only portraits of. Never a family portrait. When I told him it was 14 yrs ago since we last spent the holidays together, he said he felt so guilty for not being the father that he should be. He felt sorry for not being there during my growing years. Tears just rushed down my eyes, I couldn't help it. We both cried. I told him, I got used to it. I told him that I understand our situation, but once again, deep inside, it felt like dying.... like my heart was being stabbed over and over. All my life, I've struggled for normalcy... a simple life... to have a simple family like all the rest. Until now, this is still my ultimate goal. I pray that the universe would send me a person who would give and show me a normal life and  a loving home.

There are times when I wished I was never born and crazy as it may seem, I've thought of ending my own life a couple of times (still thinking of it til now) but here I am still...Not giving up. Proving myself to the people who have always pulled me down and swore that I would never make it.

These days, I've been thinking...is this the reason why I'm an artist?  Is this the reason why I always aim to create my own surreal world? The reason why I always daydream and never stop in creating things to hopefully make the world a better place?...is it because of the reality I'm living in? I've asked God countless times why He gave me this kind of life. What is really my purpose? Am I here just to inspire and entertain? Like a painting on display for people to stare at and criticize? Don't I have the right to live a normal life as well? All my life, I've felt so alone and no one seems to be there to defend and protect me. I may appear as a strong/intimidating woman as others would say, but deep inside me is this longing for security and protection. I believe I've somehow built this image... this wall, because I have to somehow protect myself from being insulted/disrespected by others again. Underneath this intimidating mask is but a little girl silently screaming for a home.

My life..... is still perfectly beautiful and full of color with all the experiences and lessons I've been collecting throughout the years.  I've managed to somehow draw strength from my own weaknesses and this is something which I'm proud of. I'm not a life expert, I'm not claiming to hold all the answers for the simple reason that I don't. I've managed to blindly go into the dark with knees shaking...but somehow able to go through it alive. I just wanna keep things real. I wanna be true to myself. No lies. I don't wanna lie to myself anymore. Success like happiness is a choice... but for me, there is only 1 option and that is to succeed. As what I've said earlier, I have no control over things except for myself. With Dad, I do hope he'd be man enough to do what he's supposed to do. Mom on the other hand needs to be treated with extra care. I love them both despite their opposing personalities. As for me, the goal is still the same. I will find a home I know and never will I go astray.

A Portrait Of The Real Mae

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Allow me to introduce myself....

I play a lot of roles in this world.

I'm a professional singer, a songwriter

 

a teacher

a team manager

 To some I am a role model,I have a handful of fans but never considered myself as a celebrity, an elder sister, a confidant, a trustworthy friend, a responsible daughter, a passionate lover, a romantique at heart,
an animal lover, an epicurean.

I make time to hone my photography skills,

I love cooking. 

Going on trips. Long bus rides. Experiencing all sorts of new stuff. I find joy in writing my thoughts on paper. I tend to come up with my own ideas rather than wasting time recycling works made by people I never knew.

I find joy in isolating myself as long as I have something to write on. I talk to myself in the form of writing and poetry. So if you are reading this, you are actually talking with the real me.

I rarely keep secrets. My life in an open book. I'm proud of my roots despite the shitty things I've surpassed for they molded me into who I am now.

I wish not to be complicated though some people find me odd. Even my mom thinks I'm odd. Mana mana lang yan~!                                                                                                                                                 I there is something with me and my hands which I photograph from time to time. Random weirdness or maybe awaiting a ring to be given by someone in the future.

Aside from hands, love it when I take half-faced portraits.... I find it very mysterious and very personal!

  I love to laugh! Especially at myself! I don't mind looking silly at times! I find shy people missing out a lot in what life has to offer.
  
                                                                                                                                                                    I enjoy alcohol from time to time. I'm not alcoholic though. I enjoy feeling tipsy!
 

I'm not the type of girl who finds joy in shopping for designer stuff. I do admire "kikays" who express themselves freely but I ain't one. I'm very practical when it comes to fashion. I do like shopping... grocery shopping that is. I can spend an entire day in the grocery! There is something about food and  home that fascinates me. Probably because I ultimately see myself as a homemaker one day. A domestic goddess, a wife.. a mom.

I was never an academic achiever especially in high school. I never considered myself as a highly intelligent person though I know I have a highly developed brain due to my creativity skills.
  


But if I were to describe myself in one word, I would say, I'm an ARTIST! .. and damn proud of it!
 

 

There are also things which I dislike about myself.... and I acknowledge all of them with all humility.
I am often visited by misery  and negativity due to my highly emotional nature. I easily get hurt on the simplest words but is always ready to forgive given the proper apology.

I tend to be highly stubborn with the things and the people I'm not interested with. Some people see me as a snob. I really don't mind.

I tend to be very impatient, patience is something I have yet to learn.

I wish I could be more vocal when I'm angry. I tend to avoid confrontations for I know nothing can ever be solved with anger but I wish sometimes, I could just openly tell people how mad they made me feel.

Wish I could be more neat with my things. God I'm sooo stubborn!

I'm not good with saving money though I don't really overspend. I could never resist a good deal especially if it's something for self improvement.
I also don't mind spending a good meal with a friend whom I love.

Wish I could be more interested in reading books or novels. I'm a visual person..  I have dominant left brain. I tend to get sleepy without seeing pictures.

I tend to be an escapist especially when I'm hurt. I find it hard to accept things and forget the past. I am highly sentimental.

I like inflicting myself with emotional pain... I dunno why but I enjoy it. Perhaps because I believe that the more pain you undergo, the more victory you will reap once you've recovered. Pleasure obtained from suffering.. call me a masochist!

I tend to be so fickle minded!! I hate myself when I am!

I'm too lazy to exercise!!! ahuhuhuu

I hate myself when I'm pessimistic!  I often argue with my inner demons. It just doesn't feel right!

Frustrations? I do have a few more which I wish to venture on in the future....

I wanna learn to act. Formally. To be in a musical is one thing I wanna experience. Years ago, I auditioned for Ms. Saigon. I was praised by Cameron Machintosh but wasn't accepted due to my lack of theater background and ultra short hair. Damn it!

I wanna be a dancer. I used to be in the school dance troupe in my early years. Dunno why I didn't continue when I reached high school. I did join the dance club when I was a freshie however, the senior bitches dominated the club so I was demotivated. I'd like to learn modern jazz if time and money permits.

Plans? Wishes? Dreams? I never run out of them... I dream of them every single day! They inspire me to keep on going

To have my own kitchen complete with 4 burners, a nice marbled counter top, a complete set of good quality knives, a dependable oven, all the herbs within reach, a complete set of teflon pans, glasswares, silverwares and bright colored ceramic and wooden plates. I also want it to have some high chairs so my kids would watch me as I cook their meals. I can't wait to see the look on their faces right after I take out something out of the oven!

A house with a music room. The best thing that ever happened during my childhood perhaps is when my mom gave me the freedom to do whatever I want... I spent most of my time in our music room where I would practice and listen to music. It's also the place where I would dance my worries away for it had a huge mirror covering the whole wall. Looked more like a carpeted dance studio.I'd like my kids to experience the same freedom I enjoyed. I'd like them to grow with art and music as a big part of their lives. I don't mind having kids who will become artists when they grow up I just hope my future hubby won't mind either.


To successfully produce an album of the songs I wrote. Before I retire from singing, this is something I seriously wanna complete. I wanna leave a good legacy to the kids.


A photo studio. Aside from a music room, I also wish to have a separate room exclusively for photography.. for portraits and food photography to be more precise. It'll be like a "lab" as I picture it. The mere thought of it excites me!


Another thing which I desire is to see a portrait which reflects the real me. It's really gonna be a challenge. I do have quite a number of good shots taken from my friends but I'm certain I have yet to see the perfect one!