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| "all I wanted was a simple kind of life" |
I'm beginning to believe how lack of sleep can truly affect one's mood. It's truly hard to be cheerful when you got roughly 3 hours of sleep at night and 4 hours in mid morning. I noticed that my mood levels have been decreasing week per week. Too low to the point that sometimes, I just wanna disappear and shut myself from everyone.
Despite the mood crashes and suicidal thoughts (i have a lot lately), I still ain't stopping. My dad has been very worried about me these days. He told I was crazy and pushing myself too much and that I need to stop. Nah.... now is not the time to surrender I believe.
Probably, this is my way of dealing with my innermost demons. To be at my all time-low..... Yeah, I wanna push my limits really hard because I wanna learn. I know I need to endure much pain in order to be stronger. Call me insane! I don't really care. Most people naturally try to avoid pain because they think it doesn't do them any good. But you see, when life hits them really hard with unavoidable circumstances, they find themselves lost and acting ever so immature. Obviously because they dunno on how to handle such situations for they have been trying to avoid them most of the time. They didn't prepare enough. They failed to find time to get to know themselves and love themselves better so they end up being vulnerable and shattered. They say you have to build a sturdy fortress to protect you from being hurt.. but I think it's only for cowards... for a war must be dealt with head on, instead of hiding from your shelter. How can you test the sturdiness of your fortress if you keep on avoiding storms? When all else fails.. when those walls come tumbling down... how are you gonna protect yourself then? How can you upgrade your armor without winning battles? Makes sense right?
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| thoughts ever flowing... |
"Have I gone insane or is it the just the world around me?" ~~ this thought has been wandering around my mind these days. I also don't expect many people to understand (if you do, then Thank You!).
I choose to have peace of mind. I choose to listen to myself for now. I aim for simplicity, to bring out the best in me. I'm at the stage where I'm training myself to be more self reliant, gain more control. Distance myself a little from all hypocrisy. Think about the relationships I'm in... sorting out the weeds. I wanna strengthen the morals and beliefs which I believe in. I wanna test my emotional strength and endurance. I'm on a riot of my own.
I know it may not be the best situation to be in, but I choose to be here for a reason. I wanna keep silent for now... clear my head. I have been a coward most of the time, so now is the perfect time for me to grow up. I'm letting myself wander in all corners of my head... testing the waters, challenging fate, finding answers, learning lessons, gaining much strength.
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| a promise.. |
I thank my family and friends for expressing concern. I know I've been acting strange lately. It really is strange for a people person like me to just isolate herself all of a sudden. I know. As I said, I don't really expect everyone to understand. Rest assured that I am and will always be the sweet old Mae, ever so working hard and ever so creative. Please be patient with me. I need you to trust me on this. Eventually, when I'm ready and have gained enough strength, I will take flight once again and conquer the world like what I always do.
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