The Pursuit for Normalcy

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Phew!  As I end the 2010 Christmas weekend, I'd like to write about some of the things which transpired.

Well. I didn't really have the "ideal" Christmas (reunions, parties, Xmas eve opening of gifts, bottomless booze etc). In fact, my Xmas eve was quite the opposite thanks to my ever unappreciative Mom. Please don't get me wrong, I love my mom so much, I just don't like it when she does her unnecessary dramas during special occasions and it takes a really huge amount of patience and understanding. I guess I just got used to it but honestly speaking, I'd prefer having a hassle free holiday. And since happiness is a choice, I did my best to be happy and I did. I came to realize that if not for the struggles which I felt, my weekend wouldn't be as insightful and special at all so I guess I would have to thank Mom again for making me realize the things which common people take for granted... and that is..... the importance of having a normal family.

I know, I know, this is soooo basic. Too basic that most of you take it for granted. It's true that you'll never see the value of something until it's gone. So this time, hopefully after revealing some facts about me, you'll somehow appreciate your own family more.

It's a looooooooong story! But ok, let's try to focus here.. Where do I begin?

I had very clear plans for this holiday. I just wanted it to be a nice one like last year.God knows how much I prepared for this but for some reason, Mom went overly emotional again over something so irrational. I tried my best to convince her that now is not the right time to be so emotional on things yet still, she allowed her foolish pride rule over her. Being the one who had more control, I managed to stay quiet when in the house to avoid any conflicts... but deep it my heart I felt like dying. Frustrated really....unappreciated as usual... I always end up that way with her. I always asked her what she wanted and provided most of the time to the best of my ability however, she would end up unsatisfied despite the fact that she was the one who chose it. Sometimes, I feel I don't wanna give anymore because I would just end up hearing her complain.

I was very hurt but there was nothing I could do, I do not have control over anyone... only myself. I find it so hurting and frustrating with the fact that I could not help my own mom. I wanted to go out... leave the house... go anywhere. That's what I usually did when I was young. When I reached maturity, I'd often escape from mom. I never wanted to hang-out with her because of the negative vibes and ideas she would feed my mind. Things like I was sick, I will die young, I will never marry and have a kid, that the world was about to end soon, that World War 3 was just around the corner etc... things you'd never hear from a normal mom.  All my life, I was made to believe that lie and it crippled me for so many years. But now, I'm an entirely different person so instead of escaping, I tend to confront things head on. So that night, I've decided to just stay and keep quiet. The truth is, the playful character which I normally show is the exact opposite when I'm at home. In fact, I rarely utter a word inside the house. hehehe

Anyway, instead of obsessing on the negative vibe... I tried to text Dad. Dad and I have a special relationship. I tell all my secrets to him and I often seek his advice for wisdom. He's really good in motivating me. I believe I got most of my brain cells from dad. I would never want any other father in the world. Good thing he would always reply. I told him what happened. He told me how he missed me and how sad he felt because he could not spend Christmas with me. He asked me when was the last time we shared Christmas together. He thought the last time was way back in 2003. But I said it was actually 1996..... 14 years =( I never really realized it. I couldn't even remember what we did but I'm pretty sure it was around that time. Honestly, I never remembered spending Christmas with Mom and Dad together. You see, I never had a normal family. I never experienced family outings. Never. I have tons of childhood photos but only of me. Only portraits of. Never a family portrait. When I told him it was 14 yrs ago since we last spent the holidays together, he said he felt so guilty for not being the father that he should be. He felt sorry for not being there during my growing years. Tears just rushed down my eyes, I couldn't help it. We both cried. I told him, I got used to it. I told him that I understand our situation, but once again, deep inside, it felt like dying.... like my heart was being stabbed over and over. All my life, I've struggled for normalcy... a simple life... to have a simple family like all the rest. Until now, this is still my ultimate goal. I pray that the universe would send me a person who would give and show me a normal life and  a loving home.

There are times when I wished I was never born and crazy as it may seem, I've thought of ending my own life a couple of times (still thinking of it til now) but here I am still...Not giving up. Proving myself to the people who have always pulled me down and swore that I would never make it.

These days, I've been thinking...is this the reason why I'm an artist?  Is this the reason why I always aim to create my own surreal world? The reason why I always daydream and never stop in creating things to hopefully make the world a better place?...is it because of the reality I'm living in? I've asked God countless times why He gave me this kind of life. What is really my purpose? Am I here just to inspire and entertain? Like a painting on display for people to stare at and criticize? Don't I have the right to live a normal life as well? All my life, I've felt so alone and no one seems to be there to defend and protect me. I may appear as a strong/intimidating woman as others would say, but deep inside me is this longing for security and protection. I believe I've somehow built this image... this wall, because I have to somehow protect myself from being insulted/disrespected by others again. Underneath this intimidating mask is but a little girl silently screaming for a home.

My life..... is still perfectly beautiful and full of color with all the experiences and lessons I've been collecting throughout the years.  I've managed to somehow draw strength from my own weaknesses and this is something which I'm proud of. I'm not a life expert, I'm not claiming to hold all the answers for the simple reason that I don't. I've managed to blindly go into the dark with knees shaking...but somehow able to go through it alive. I just wanna keep things real. I wanna be true to myself. No lies. I don't wanna lie to myself anymore. Success like happiness is a choice... but for me, there is only 1 option and that is to succeed. As what I've said earlier, I have no control over things except for myself. With Dad, I do hope he'd be man enough to do what he's supposed to do. Mom on the other hand needs to be treated with extra care. I love them both despite their opposing personalities. As for me, the goal is still the same. I will find a home I know and never will I go astray.

My Roots: Revealed

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This week, I'd like to discuss about commitment, passion and my early years...

One thing I really like about myself is my passion and commitment to the arts..I didn't come from a family of artists. I have no idea where I got my talent from..both may parents couldn't paint, though my dad took up architecture.. he wasn't really into it for he excelled as a motivational speaker. He could hardly carry a tune, also suck at dancing (sorry Dad, have to be honest!). My mom on the other hand
doesn't know how to draw. She did study to play the keyboard but couldn't follow proper tempo. She loved music a lot.. but music didn't love her back. hihihihi (i bet they'd kill me if they find out about this) I once asked them of any ancestors or relatives who were into performing arts.. my mom did mention some old story
but was never really confirmed so I therefore somehow conclude that... I didn't inherit my love for the arts to my  family. So how the hell did I become a sucker for the arts??

... you see, I didn't have any talented parents but it was through  their early influence and support which molded me into who I am today.

Let me tell you about my early years...

I'm an only child. The sole survivor after 2 miscarriages my mom had. Since I was the unica hija, I was raised in a typical middle class family as a spoiled brat! I was made to believe that we were filthy rich for we had a Mercedes Benz, a big house and ate corned beef regularly! We didn't have a German Shepherd as our house dog but we did have a mixed breed dog  named Breshneb who attacked me when I was 10months old! During my early years, mom had a hard time in "taming" me. I wasn't a typical brat.. I was a pain in the ass! 

Let me show you some pictures from my early years...

One of my early photos when I was 5 months old in my Lola's (grandma's) room

Here's a photo of me with one of my baby sitters with our family dog Breshneb during the time I was learning on how to walk.

Another photo of me while learning how to walk.

This is quite embarrassing but what the heck! Look at that grin..I look and feel like a fool!!

Definitely a Lolo's (grandfather's) girl!!

My 1st Birthday!! Love the cake!! I have no idea who those kids are! hihihi

During my 2nd birthday!!

I used to have a lot of toys.. Legos and Barbie dolls. I didn't enjoy them for long because of my terrible behavior.. I'd put real lipstick and draw doodles on my doll's faces then attempt to erase them afterwards.. by the time I get frustrated, I behead them and throw them away for I know "lola" would buy me a new one right away.hehehe Also, I'd spend hours and hours singing/acting the mirror while applying my mom's make up. I was quite weird and eccentric. I remember mixing her lotions, perfumes, and cosmetics in small cups like a witch preparing a deadly potion. If I'm not mistaken, I even drank the concoction once (Brute and some lotion).. I almost died of poisoning myself.  I was indeed a "Maldita" the Spawn of Satan!! ahahahah 

Hobby: to roam around the house...

mess with the furniture...... ( don't be fooled by the cuteness)

...stick chewing gums and write doodles on the tables....throw the pillows everywhere....

....then take a nap under the table

Ate chocolates like mad! I was often called a bad girl!

But since I was their favorite... they'd love me no matter what!! aawww!!!

I was a kindergarten drop-out.. yes, really! They had no choice but to let me stop due to my uncontrollable wild behavior. As soon as I enter the classroom, I'd start crying until all the other children started crying as well. I never wanted to be left alone. I wanted my mom to never leave my sight or else.. all hell would break loose! I was a victim of discrimination that time. My other "elite" classmates didn't want me to "belong" to their respective groups for reasons like my skin wasn't fair enough or my dress that day wasn't pink enough for them. hehehe With that I learned to somehow be independent but I did become a loner.
I didn't have a lot of friends that time. I preferred staying at home. I became so fascinated with the tape recorder given to us by my aunt. I'd spend hours and hours singing and recording various sounds.. making my own stories and dramas. I was 4 yrs old that time. It was the time when I outgrown dolls and toys.  

 The young brat doing her thing...

with one of my soon to be destroyed dolls

A silly pose during one of our family reunions.. I was quite an anti-social kid before so I was dead bored during this time.. not to mention I was forced to wear this ugly dress!!!

Taken during my 4th birthday.. I had 3 cakes during that time!!

Here's another photo showing the 2nd cake

Photo around 1984 I guess along with my lovely aunts!!

1986 - After the Edsa revolution, my parents separated. Mom and I had to move. Good thing my aunt who was based in Saudi Arabia that time just bought a house in Fairview so that's where we moved. My health condition became worse. I was asthmatic since birth and during that time, I had Primary Complex (like Tuberculosis) and was on a 1 yr treatment. It was really tough. We received no support from Dad but we did get help from my grandparents for they really loved me a lot. The devilish senyorita became a pauper! No more fancy toys and dresses. No more shopping at Greenhills and Makati. A year after treatment, mom enrolled me at the nearby elementary school which is just 50 steps from the house. Many of our relatives ridiculed us and got angry at mom when they heard I was to study in a public school and not in a Montessori. Though during that time, my grannies can afford to send me to an expensive school, they allowed my mom to decide what's best for me. And during that time, she wanted me to learn about the realities of life at an early age. She wanted to expose me to real people so that I could be humble so she sent me there. I believe this is one of the best decisions she has ever made and I really thank her for doing it because is was during these days when I got exposed to music, arts and cooking.
 

My ever playmate: Mom

Prim and proper with panties exposed!! ahahaha Parental Guidance Needed!

It was during these elementary years when I started exposing myself into arts and music.
Since we hardly had money for toys, I spent my afternoons in our music room listening, singing and even dancing to music tapes of my aunt. She has a huge collection of tapes and a couple of cds which are still existing up to this day. 2 tapes a day I guess. She had hundreds of them ... Tears for Fears, The Police, Dionne Warwick, The Carpenters, The Rolling Stones, Diana Ross, Burt Bacharach, Stevie Wonder, The Beatles, Elvis Presley, Matt Monroe, Astrud Gilberto.. and the list goes on! woahhh so many influences.. no wonder I became a musician!

Our house in Fairview and the Music Room where all the magic took place!!

It was also the time when mom started introducing me to the wonders of cooking. I'd watch her marinade and bake goodies.. the best part was when she would let me handle the whisk and ladles as well. By the time I was in my 2nd grade, I was able to prepare my own breakfast and even cook pastas. Mom is indeed a great teacher! Also, as early as the 2nd grade, I became a Beatle fanatic! I remember waking up very early just to listen to the Beatles hour around 5-5:30am at DWKC before I head to school. They had so many songs, so many albums..but I had limited money so I had to wait for my monthly allowance given by Lolo and Lola so mom and I could visit the record bar in Cubao so I could buy a new Beatles tape. Usually, I'd just record the songs directly from the radio. Growing up being a Beatles fan was a journey for I got to appreciate more of their songs as time went by. I was quite eccentric that time for the other school kids liked the latest pop singers during that era. It was rare to find a grade school girl being into 60's music during the late 80's. I didn't mind.

During the 3rd grade, I started learning how to read notes and play the keyboard and
by the time I was in the 4th grade, I joined the Rondalla group in our school. When I reached the 5th grade, I was chosen to join the Young Writer's Competition and got my 1st lessons on creative writing from Mom. I was very very busy that time.. I joined all school clubs and excelled in all of them. I joined academic contests and received a lot of awards. I enjoyed every single experience. Those were the good old days and I thought it would never end. Graduation day came..a time for goodbyes but I remember not being sentimental at all for I knew my journey has just started. And I made sure it never stopped for in the next chapter of my life was when I discovered more talents.

During my 3rd grade

As you can see.. it all boils down to dedication and commitment plus with solid support from your family of course. I had the best teacher in the form of my Mom! I have dedicated my life to the arts and have learned to stand up for the music which I love and believe in...I believe that the journey goes on. As what my father taught me.. "Seek knowledge from cradle to grave!" I know I still have a lot to discover, more talents to pursue, music to write, wonders to make and people to inspire. And with this I may say, Yes, I do live a perfect happy life...It may not fit the usual standard wherein happiness is measured by material possessions.. I believe I possess things which are more valuable..things  which money can never buy... self fulfillment, pride and great great memories which I dearly treasure.

A girl still overflowing with dreams and ideas...

I hope you liked my story this week. It's actually my 1st ever time to reveal detailed things about my childhood. I hope you liked it!

See yah all next time!!

Love always,
Mae